THE BIG WHY

While I spent the majority of my life in another career, writing was always my lifeline. It was a way to cope with feelings, to express my quirky ideas, and in many cases, it was a necessity. Writing felt as essential to me as breathing. I lamented the fact that I didn't have more time to write. However, my teaching career not only gave me material to write about, it gave me many of the life experiences that have enriched and defined my writing style. Being a teacher also gave me some tools to use even after I left the profession.

When I was teaching, there was a big administrative push to get teachers to identify their, "Why." Why do I teach? Why did I choose my subject emphasis in education? What do I want children to learn and know when they leave my classroom? It was an attempt to motivate us and help us center in on our goals, so we didn't get bogged down and burnt out.

For many of us, it was too little, too late. This was the last few years before the pandemic, when the education system had already begun to fail. It was the precursor to the even bigger wave of overworked, disillusioned teachers, many of whom have now left education altogether.

However, as annoying as it was at the time, the practice of identifying one's "why" is not an inherently bad practice. Of course, it's not great when someone tries to force it on you in a professional development setting and then pretends not to judge you on the validity of your answer, (insert smirk), but it has its merits, personally. It actually was a small lifeline to me during a difficult time.

I was drowning. The stress was overwhelming, and my health was tanking fast. As many can attest, illness and stress are evil cousins that encourage each other in all the wrong ways. The stress made my illness(es) worse and being sick a lot caused me horrendous stress and guilt. I felt like I was letting down my students when I had to be out. I had terrible guilt when coworkers would have to cover me on their planning when subs weren't available. I also felt like I was letting my family down when checks would be short for having missed too many days, or when the medical bills really started piling up. It's all an ugly cycle I'd like to forget.

So, to sit down at my desk at the end of a hard day, exhausted to the bone, throbbing from head to toe, feeling like I was going to cry, and seeing my "why" card staring me in the face was sometimes just what I needed. The hard realization for me was acknowledging that my health needs, both physical and mental, were starting to supersede my "why."

Now, I come to the good part. The post-retirement, having time to manage my illnesses part. The once again, having time to indulge my passion for writing part. Coincidentally, my reasons for teaching music and for writing are very similar. Foremost, I want people to feel on a deep level and be able to not only cope, but enjoy the world. Any of the fine arts are a vehicle to do that.

We are so bogged down in societal trauma right now, from pandemic, to politics, to end-stage capitalism, to being overworked and often underpaid, to feeling like we're never doing enough, or can never keep up. Add in personal struggles, and it's enough to make anyone's kettle boil over. It's so easy to become calloused, and I don't necessarily mean in a cranky way. For many right now, the only way to cope, is not to cope. Gloss over the fine details, keep busy with events, and don't dig too deep, because emotions might trigger deeper, harder discussions with ourselves.

It's so tempting. I've done it many times myself. But I'm here to suggest that finding that thing that pumps you up and motivates you while also giving you a sense of peace, is a way to heal both mental anguish and physical trauma. I suggest that because I'm living it right now. Partaking in the fine arts (music, art, drama, writing, dance) either as a creator or partaker, is not only fun, relaxing, and healing, but a way out of the darkness. Getting lost in a beautiful piece of music, or another literary world, or a thought-provoking painting is a deep dive with only rewards for your efforts. Will it dissolve your problems? No, but taking the time to feel through the creative arts sure can make it easier to cope with whatever reality you face. As a writer, an artist, and a musician, I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than being able to give that opportunity to someone else. As a teacher, I can’t think of a better skill to teach students than how to get lost in the fine arts.

So, what is your why? And while we’re at it, what is your what, and who is your who? The how doesn’t matter right now. That will come in time. In the meantime, take a minute to think about (or write about, sing about, or draw about) what is important to you. What makes you want to get up in the morning? What makes everything seem better? Whatever it is, do that! Be that! Seek that! Yes, it’s great when it finds you by accident when you were minding your business trudging away, but why wait for that? Be intentional. Your why wants to be found. And when you go looking, you might just find yourself waiting there as well.