THE PURPOSE OF MIRRORS

Reflection is always good, right? Maybe. It's healthy to occasionally look back on past life decisions and practices, to see what you've learned. However, too much reflection can feel like those metal merry go round death traps on 20th-Century playgrounds. Once you jump on and start spinning, it's hard to get off. You're either trapped for hours, in the centrifical force, bogged down with bad decisions, or being flung to the far corners of your mind with a host of what-ifs sending you spinning in every direction.

So, what's the line? How long in the past is too long? For me, too long is not when I start to feel icky, because solid lessons can be learned in the icky spot. It's just after the first A-HA happens. It's important to know when to pull out. While this is not a sexual reference, like sex, reflection can get gross and weird if you "stay in" too long. Once you've had an epiphany, stop, write it down, and walk away. In fact, I try not to think of it for a while and just let my subconscious work on it.

As an example, a memory recently popped up from my past dating life. While happily married now, it occurred to me that I was painfully immature for a good share of my dating history. It's okay to laugh. I'm laughing now, but when this first occurred to me, I started to spiral in a loop of self-shame. Now, I should preface by saying, I'm especially good at spiraling. If there was a spiraling championship, I'd definitely be a contender. However, with age and distance, I'm getting better at stopping the loopty-loo. So, I stopped. I wrote it down, "Painfully immature at dating," and busied myself quickly with other tasks.

Had I stayed for the spiral, I would have rehashed every stupid decision I made while dating; some that probably ended relationships…and others that prolonged them. It was then I realized my emotional immaturity in my youth, actually saved me from some future trauma. We all grow at our own pace, and sometimes it can’t be forced. Sometimes the best growth comes from a memory – the slap in the face from a past mistake. It’s important to wake up when you get the slap. Look around, see what your memory is trying to teach you, but don’t dawdle. Otherwise, you’ll continue getting slapped by the backhand of your most cringey moments. You may need to revisit the memory several times, but just don’t live there. If you keep the mirror in front of you too long, trying to figure out where you’ve been, it may block your path enough that you can’t see where you’re going.